quinta-feira, 24 de dezembro de 2009

Lobo VS Papai Noel!

Ho Ho Fuking Ho!
Sim uma das mais conhecidas revistas obscuras da histórias de Natal, uma preciosidade quando eu era pequeno, a revista tinha tanto poder que quem a possuía podia sempre escolher o Fang no Contra Hard corps...

Bom pra quem não conhece, Lobo é um alien, ultimo remanescente da raça de imortais pacíficos os Czarianos, ele é o ultimo pq simplesmente matou todos os outros habitantes, para sobreviver ele arranjou um emprego de caçador de recompenças, e é conhecido por ter derrotado duas vezes o Superman no mano a mano.
O papai Noel...bem se você não sabe quem é ele...por favor fique batendo sua cabeça na parede até morrer.

Sei que muitos vão dizer que o papai Não teria chance...mas Chris o esmagador Kringle é apersonificação mais poderosa que a Coca-Cola já criou, inclusive podemso ver nesse video todo o poder dele:
Mas chega do Werid Al vamos á história.
Começamos nossa história em algum lugar aonde é véspera de Natal, á neve branca por tudo e musicas e alegria.
Viu igual ao natal da sua casa.
Mas nem tudo é alegria, devido a perda do emprego, um pai de família não pôde comprar brinquedos de Natal para seus filhos...
Inclusive sua mulher lembra o que aconteceu com os vizinhos quando não compraram presentes de natal aos filhos..e que nem todos os pedaços dos vizinhos foram encontrados.
Enquanto o pai resolve aproveitar a vantagem enquanto as crianças estão na cama, algo toca sua porta, e encontram um livro, sem mais opções os pais resolvem ler o livro pra ver se isso será um bom ardil pra substituir os presentes:
Simm quebrando a 4º Barreira, a história esta dentro da própria história, bem tudo começa com nosso grande amigo sendo apresentado.
Após "gentilmente" perguntar ao barman sobre seu contrato, ele é conduzido a sala VIP.
Lá ele encontraria seu empregador!
O Coelho Oswald!!!!
Ta eu sei que a piada não teve graça...até porque vocês não tem idéia de quem é o Coelho Oswald , mas isso sera sanado em um próximo post.
Basta saber que esse é o Coelinho da Páscoa podre de Bêbado por estar empregando o Flagelo do Universo para matar o Papai Noel, isso tudo representando a associação de feriados, que pensam que matando o velho Nicolal as crianças comessem a investir na Páscoa, no dia de COlombo...
Após algumas negociações(foto acima), descobrimos que o Lobo quando era criança quase capturou o Coelinho da Páscoa, e que ele odeia o Papai Noel.
Lobo se despede "gentilmente" do Barman, e parte para sua casa se armar para missão...
E chegamos na Terra-do-sempre-Inverno, uma rocha congelada aonde está a fábrica do Esmagador Kringle, e sabemos mais sobre ele, os seus empregados são sub-nutridos, oque os mantém fracos e baixinhos e com sangue nos zóio, devido ao seu sistema ditatorial, uma vez por ano ele faz uma distribuição de brindes oque mantém o povo feliz.
A velha política do Pão e Circo...mas sem o pão nesse caso.

Lobo Aproveita que o Papai Noel é completamente poderoso e arrogante que rapidamente arrasa com a segurança porca, aproveitando o ataque do Lobo alguns penguins aproveitam a insurreição do Lobo e se juntam a saga!
Mesmos Pinguins vivendo no polo Sul e o lobo atacando o Polo Norte...
...ta vou aprar de enumerar as besteiras.
Mas enqutnao os Elfos são pegos no fogo cruzado, e reclamam das péssimas condições de trabalho, eles são lembrados pq têm péssimas condições de trabalho e começam a se organizar.
Todos se reunem e emboscam o Lobo, e começam a negociar e saber o Porque do Ataque do Czariano exigindo uma rendição dele!
Ahh o Buldogue é simplesmente um cãoq eu segue o Lobo sem motivos.
Sim das negociações...os Elfos têm a única decisão sensata e atiram no LOBO!
...E todos os rifles eram de rolhas...sabe eu nunca entendi essa piada...aliás não explicam pq os Elfos não tinham armas, ou se tinham pq pegaram as de rolha O.o
Felizmente as armas do maioral não são de rolhas!
E ele faz oque faz melhor...melhor que o Wolverine!
E temso algumas páginas de miolos e tripas de elfos voando...Aliás recomendo ouvir de novo o video o início da matéria
Bem findo os figurantes, Lobo continua em sua busca pelo Papai Noel, notificando seu péssimo gosto que faria o Prostíbulo do Elton John chorar de cafonice, mas então Lobo Finalmente o encontra..
Pai Natal, Chris o Esmagado!
Pronto com seu nariz vernelho e sua barriga de gelatina.
Intmando o Lobo para uma luta de homens ao invés de ser morto por um tiro na cabeça
Ahh sim...não existe motvso nenhum do Papai Noel ter um Gorila fora da iniciativa da DC comics de adorar Gorilas e os enfiar sempre que podem no contexto.
E para quem acha que ma Briga de Facas com o pai Natal ia ser fraca...temos uma bela sequência de golpes entre ele e o Lobo, em espécial após um golpe bem dado , o Papai Noel continua a lutar com um olho pendurado, bem como a estrela da revista é o Lobo ele vence!!!
Nessas horas euq ueria que essa história fosse da Marvel pra poder ver um What If com o Papai vencendo.
E para o Campeão os Espólios!
Lobo começa a ver o que ganhou com as posses do papai Noel, e tirando toda a pornografia com Elfos, sobrou uma fábrica mágica, e a maior das magias, a lista com o nome dos bonzinhos e levados!
Rapidamente o lobo anota os nomes das Vítimas e da futura concorrência.
Loboq ue apesar doque pensam é inteligente pacas começa a pôr seu plano em prática...
Pôndo os Pinguins pra trabalhar e o Gorila, Lobo transforma a fábrica de brinquedos numa fábrica de bombas, enchendo seu treno só precisa de um pouco de diplomacia com as renas como visto ali em cima.
E logo nosso herói estava cruzando o fundo do cenário da ponte do Mortal Kombat 1.
Lembram?que tinha uma lua cheia e as vezes passava o Papai noel, ou uma Bruxa...ou o Peter Pan?
Não lembram do Mortal Kombate?

Cacete volte imediatamente aos anos 90!
E naquela Noite de Natal os Levados aprenderam que não podem fuder por ai e ficarem impunes.
E os bonzinhos aprenderam oque são vitimas inocentes em guerras!!
Feliz Natal!!!
Nossa!
Eu também tinha esquecido da plot dos pais...mas bem após eles lerem a maior obra literária da história, eles ficam felizes, os filhos vão adorar o livro e esquecer dos presentes e vão poder escolher o Fang no Contra! Eles estão salvos da desmembração...mas ainda tem algumas páginas...
Há!
O livro se explode e os pais estão devolta na mesma sinuca!
Bem eles não tem mais nenhuma escolha a não ser aproveitar a véspera de Natal enquanto suas crianças estão dormindo...subir as escadas lentamente com o rifle...
...e matar os dez bastardinhos enquanto eles tem chance!

FIM!

Hehehe sim é uma história que cada vezes parece mais datada,mas é inovadora, nunca antes tivemos um combate tão bom com o Papai Noel, que só foi superado em sua luta contra o Jesus Cristo
A história ainda tem duas continuações...mas essas são Crossovers com o Authority...e no geral são mais histórias do grupo de polêmica barata que do Lobo.
Malditos ingleses de Hollywood pervertendo o maioral para ser figurante de super polêmicas falidas.
Bem como é natal..mais uma musiquinha de Natal..agora pelos funcionários do Santa!

153 comentários:

Sasoriman disse...

...Papai Noel tem um gorila.
...E mesmo sendo super importante não consegue uma segurança decente.
...E eu não gostava do Fang, sempre gostei de jogar com aquela menina cujo esqueci o nome.
...E eu não tenho mais o que dizer. Pois é.

evil monkey disse...

era pra eu ser o primeiro, mas faltando digitar a última letra da verificação de palavras acabou o tempo da lan house.

e eu não tenho mais nada a dizer a não ser que foi um ótimo post.
...
...
então...ótimo post!
...
...
...
...
eu disse que eu não tinha mais nada a dizer...
...

Avalanche(Lance) disse...

Na real arevista descreve o Gorila como "companheiro de quarto".

E espero que não seja oque eu pensei.

Max disse...

lobo matou todo o clã?????? porque ele fez isso?

e no post anterior gostei da "verdadeira história do natal".. hehe bacco :P

Avalanche(Lance) disse...

Bacco e Jesus tem uma ligação com o vinho...


Mas o Lobo matou toda a raça dele...pq a raça dele era feita de cuzões, e também por que ele queria ser único.

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